I hate Christmas.
Yes, I’m one of those weird / not so weird people who hates Christmas.
I’ve hated Christmas as long as I can remember. I mean, seriously, I can’t remember EVER really liking this holiday.
I hated it when I was a very little kid. What kid hates Christmas?! I mean, really! Right?
But I have, my whole life, hated this holiday. I’ve hated everything about it. The music. The barrage of overly sentimental tv shows. The gift giving. The gift receiving. (What?) The decorations. The snow. (Where I grew up, not where I am now.) Being in the stores. The people in the stores. The church stuff. The food.
Yes, crazy as it sounds, I even hate all the food drama.
I always thought that this was tied to “end of the year blues”. You know, the thinking that it’s the whole season representing the passing of time, human aging, goals and dreams unfulfilled, mounting regrets – blah blah blah.
I’ve even had therapists tell me its perfectly normal. “You’re fine.” Dismiss me and my feelings as if they were nothing. And I end up feeling even worse, and more like an outcast.
I think a lot of people get end of the year blues. It IS common. It’s not crazy or weird, either.
But that doesn’t explain why I hate Christmas. I mean, HATE. Like, I hate it so much I want to hurt it. Hate, hate. Not dislike. Not annoyance. Not ugh. I’m talking outright hate!
Yesterday, on my walk, I told myself I was going to figure this out. I feel so awful this time of year. I’m in such emotional turmoil, in fact, that I get physically sick. Every year, including this year. I can’t remember a Christmas when I wasn’t on antibiotics. Truthfully. That’s how bad it gets for me.
As I was walking, thinking about it, running images thru my mind, I saw it. “It’s money.” I said. “There’s never any money. I can’t give what I want. I never GET what I want. I can’t support others. It’s so fucking stressful! There’s always fights and stress and anger about the money I don’t have, the money I’m spending, the things I can’t do.”
“I hate Christmas” is really a money block! Holy shitballs!
So, here I am: it’s a money block. I’m definitely going to do some work on my money story. For sure. But also on forgiving myself for that pain all these years; for being secretly angry with myself for never “fixing” this.
I’m also going to work on my joy (thank you, Katie Henry). It’s okay to love this time of year. It’s okay to love all the colored lights, and decorations.
And it’s definitely okay to love the food. Alright, now! I’m saying! Hello, FUDGE!